Thursday, 7 February 2013

The REAL Jersey Shore - Why Jesus lives in a sexually transmitted sesame seed.

So I thought that I’d explain the origins of how we, Charlie and I, have discovered the real truth to the epic best selling fiction book of all time…the Bible.

Charlie – I just found Jesus. He was in a sesame seed.

Me – What?

Charlie – Toast. Sesame seed crust. Bit into it. Pointy bit of seed made contract with exposed nerve. Yelled “Jesus Christ!” so loudly I swear I heard him answer.

Me – Bahahahaha

Charlie – And (because I’m mental) I ACTUALLY looked closely at the toast in my hand. As if it were somehow the toast’s fault. Or expecting to see the face of Jesus staring out of the vegemite saying “I FUCKING WARNED YOU CUNT!”

Me – I like to think that’s EXACTLY what would be said if Jesus appeared

Charlie – Hence, he was in a sesame seed.

Me- Well he is all about giving you your daily bread.

Charlie – I think that’s his Dad.

Me – Same shit man. That whole family is a yeasty disaster.

Charlie – You make it sound like they’ve all got thrush.

Me – All that desert living…they probably did. He was the original bun in the oven.

Charlie - *facepalm* are you saying that the church was founded on an STI?

Me - …yes.

Charlie – It’s times like this that I wish I could italicize my texts.   *really?*

Me – Yes really. It explains so much when you think about it. It’s pretty much the original Jersey Shore…”unexplained” pregnancies, deception, bro fights and resurrections after a few days. Which was just their way of saying “Bro…what did I drink last night. I can’t remember SHIT”…”Jesus bro, that’s because you’ve been blacked out for 3 days”

Both Charlie and I are available to hire for any theological debate you might be thinking of holding. Will work for money, LOL’s, cookies and shits and giggles.

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