Saturday, 26 January 2013


You just never know what a text message is going to bring...

Me: *cries* stupid back (injury)... now I can't have a dirty weekend! Not fucking fair!! :'(

Facey McBones: Ohhhh booooooo

Me: I know right... Man, someone had better come through on the adoring me thing pretty fucking soon or I'll explode

Facey McBones: ... Starfish?

Me: Against my religion as a born-again slutguts.  Maybe if I tranquilise myself?

Me: Still have to deforest ffs...

Facey McBones: Lol

Me: Not like I can outsource that. Can't afford a wax right now and I'm certainly not getting someone in to shave...

Facey McBones: Yeah, bit awkward.

Me: You'd certainly find out who your real friends were!

Facey McBones: Bwahaha this is true. I've shaved and waxed friends butts for them before... it's not really something friends should do

Me: Damn and I was going to ask you lol

Facey McBones: Hahaha negative, sorry. I love you but it's not something I'm ever gunna do again hahaha

Me: Killjoy.

Me: On reflection though wouldn't you rather ask a friend than a stranger?

Facey McBones: Nope

Me: Weirdo.  At least you'd know your friends are only judging you coz it's fucking funny

Facey McBones: Bullshit. If you got your mates to shave your bits they're TOTALLY judge your bits while they were doing it. Doesn't matter whether it's good or bad, they'd still be taking note. It's the comparison thing. everyone does it and because your mates don't peer into the misty eye for work (unless they do) they aren't desensitised to the various axe wounds that nature provides, so they'll be checking out your lady garden hardcore

Me: Totes ok with that.

Facey McBones: Hahahahahahaa. Sicko.

7 hours later...


Facey McBones: Best. Text. Ever.

Me: See, who said vodka and medication was a bad mix! Look what you can achieve!

And even later that same day...


Facey McBones: I'm so proud of her :D  What did she do?

Me: She's talking about missing nipples, and buying fake stick on nipples, and what if they don't match, and buying extra fake stick on ones and putting them all down her chest and tummy and wearing her cat ears

Facey McBones: Sounds reasonable to me

Me: If I could get fake nipples I'd wear them EVERYWHERE

Facey McBones: Me too. I'd put them just slightly hanging out of my hem lines

Me: On your 30th birthday lol

Facey McBones: Bahahaha

Me: She wants to be literal catwoman for my homemade superhero birthday party :D

Facey McBones: Oh My God. I want her babies

Me: You could have several - she could nurse them all at the same time

Facey McBones: ... that's kinda hot.

Me: I know right.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

And this is why we can't have nice things

This evening’s conversation between Charlie and I:

Me - I want to teach myself how to fanny fart on command...CAN YOU IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES?!

Charlie - You either need to stop drinking, or drink more so you can't talk anymore.

Me - Seriously, just for a moment, think about the potential situations in which that could be an awesome ability to have.

I'm also pretty sure you could change the pitch of each queef as you liked depending on the way in which you let the air pass over your lips…

Best non-trombone, trombone slide sound EVER

Charlie – I don’t think you should be fanny farting on command. I think you should be able to manipulate your vagina on command and learn to throw your voice *evil grin*

Gynaecology appointments would suddenly become the best fun ever

Me – I should NOT be allowed to have that power. I would RUIN all of my one night stands FOREVER

Charlie – Worth it.

Me – Just holding a normal conversation as they’re doing their prep then, when they get all speculum on you vag, just muffle the sound of the voice.

“Yes, the weather was quite lovely in France. Must be sure to head there again next summer vacation *speculum insertous* alfthough I musft pshay the baggueetsh leafsh a bit to be deshiered”

Charlie – Would help you pick the perfect woman…she would be the one who would laugh at the performance and then offer you theatrical tips. Like how to impersonate the queen and Elmer Fudd and shit.

Me – This is true…as long as there’s no impromptu Sylvester style voices it should be fine.

Charlie – Or Daffy or Donald Ducks. Then you’re back to queefs.

Me – I don’t know if it’s still a queef if there’s substance. Like farts becoming sharts.


Charlie – Oh dear

Me – Juieefs – Juicy queefs
         Weefs – Wet queefs


SQUEEFS!! Squelchy queefs

Charlie – You’re mental!

Me – And now you’ll never be able to hear someone say “Squee” ever again without thinking of this.

You’re welcome.

Inaugural Fancypants Ever-So-Important oh fuck this shit I need coffee...

Yeah so I totally wrote this wicked funny first post and promptly accidentally deleted the whole blog.

I also instinctively feel that there should be some form of disclaimer here (read at your own risk, c-bomb dropped with monotonous regularity, leave your sanity on a nail by the door etc) but I think I will let my erstwhile partner in crime handle that.

So yeah - hi. We're totally hilarious. Except now that we've made a blog for the purposes of displaying said hilarity to the world I actually have nothing to say. As in, NOTHING to say.