Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Jesus lives in a sexually-transmitted sesame seed

So I was thinking the other day about the things I've learned over the last few years, and the personal growth that I have achieved, and I realised that I have learned the most valuable lessons over the last two years from the other author of this blog, Facey McBones. I have learned that...

  • "Because Carrots" is an acceptable reason for just about anything.
  • If they could talk, all vaginas would sound like Enya. (Thank you Dylan Moran.)
  • There is no greater indication that you have just scored a major point and that the other party has absolutely NOTHING than to hear "...you're a cunt!".
  • Sometimes the word "Goodbye!" can be the funniest fucking thing you ever heard in your life.
  • There's nothing as professional as declaring a Funny-Pants-Off and roping in a coworker to adjudicate. (Cheers for that, Knockers!)
  • "I've got red hair and my hand up your knickers!" is not a sentence your boss needs popping up in her head during a performance review.
  • Cake shouldn't ever be wibbly-wobbly in your face. (It really really should.)
  • Nooo! Hand turkey NOOOO!!! ALL HAIL TO THE HYPNOTURKEY... (don't worry, you aren't meant to understand that unless you're Facey)
  • The only appropriate soundtrack to shaving one's bikini area is Monty Python's Lumberjack Song.
  • There's a time and a place for breasts, and the time is now and the place is EVERYWHERE! \0/
  • "Not being a team player" can be directly translated to "You appear to be unwilling to shit yourself in the office for my own personal amusement".
  • Skysharks will signal the end of civilisation as we know it and by that stage there's nothing for it but a flamethrower.
  • Drawing on a jaunty moustache makes you smarter.

Something there for everyone, really.


  1. You know, upon reading this, anyone who doesn't know me is going to think I'm a complete lunatic who shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised. Or without some sort of protective head gear.

    ...thank you for giving me the most sincerely accurate online presentation I could have ever asked for :D

  2. I know right? To think I didn't even MENTION that vaginas are magnetically attracted to you or the Incident-of-which-we-shall-never-speak-again.

    You're welcome.

  3. It's only taken me a few weeks to identify who is responsible for this blog.

    Would you believer I read the first few posts and thought "gee, this really sounds like a conversation between my nearest and dearest" Now I realise it IS! Yes, I know, I'm blonde.

    BTW thanks for the acknowledgement in this latest post xx



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