Jesus lives in a sexually-transmitted sesame seed

So I was thinking the other day about the things I've learned over the last few years, and the personal growth that I have achieved, and I realised that I have learned the most valuable lessons over the last two years from the other author of this blog, Facey McBones. I have learned that...

• "Because Carrots" is an acceptable reason for just about anything.

• If they could talk, all vaginas would sound like Enya. (Thank you Dylan Moran.)

• There is no greater indication that you have just scored a major point and that the other party has absolutely NOTHING than to hear "...you're a cunt!".

• Sometimes the word "Goodbye!" can be the funniest fucking thing you ever heard in your life.

• There's nothing as professional as declaring a Funny-Pants-Off and roping in a coworker to adjudicate. (Cheers for that, Knockers!)

• "I've got red hair and my hand up your knickers!" is not a sentence your boss needs popping up in her head during a performance review.

• Cake shouldn't ever be wibbly-wobbly in your face. (It really really should.)

• Nooo! Hand turkey NOOOO!!! ALL HAIL TO THE HYPNOTURKEY... (don't worry, you aren't meant to understand that unless you're Facey)

• The only appropriate soundtrack to shaving one's bikini area is Monty Python's Lumberjack Song.

• There's a time and a place for breasts, and the time is now and the place is EVERYWHERE! \0/

• "Not being a team player" can be directly translated to "You appear to be unwilling to shit yourself in the office for my own personal amusement".

• Skysharks will signal the end of civilisation as we know it and by that stage there's nothing for it but a flamethrower.

• Drawing on a jaunty moustache makes you smarter.

Something there for everyone, really.